oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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