I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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