Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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