It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
