Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I see more hoeing in ur future
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
