I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
