Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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