I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
