He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
