did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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