did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
