The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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