Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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