You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
