i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
