So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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