about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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