woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize