I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
