So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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