Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
