I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
