Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
