mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
