I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
