I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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