Plan B is the new Plan A
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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