her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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