How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
where am i from again
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
