11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
