i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
