saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
