You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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