I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize