She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
