I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
