somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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