my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Randomize
