I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
