whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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