I can't breathe out the right side of my face
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
