He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
