shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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