I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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