I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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