i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
