i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
