his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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