Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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