I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
