I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
