Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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