WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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