Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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