A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize